Wheels within wheels

(The battle between pride, belief and despair)

Was reflecting on a pastoral situation sometime ago and it occurred to me that what was needed was some bold action. ‘What you need to do’, I thought to myself, ‘is to stop pussy-footing about with your usual over-qualified prayers and tentative assessments. You need to say what you think and pray openly, boldly and directly for resolution’. This of course would mean putting myself on the line before others – unambiguously asking for a specific answer and waiting with the others party to my prayer for that answer (or not!). However, a sense of conviction built up inside me that this is what I should do. Ah, but then, another part of my mind kicked-in thinking how impressive it would be to get an answer to prayer in such circumstances, and how such a resolution following hard on the heels of my intervention would raise my ‘spiritual stock’. I even started rehearsing the subsequent anecdote – all dressed up in mock-piety as I recounted my experience to imaginary listeners.

Then my better self took the upper hand and firmly rebuked me for such self-seeking and ungodly motivations. Then despair – how could I even imagine that God would use someone like me – what a joke that someone so riven with self would have such prayers answered. So I concluded there would be no point in being bold and praying like that because people who had such experiences were obviously free from such sinful thoughts.

Then I remembered the devil and I remembered grace. My despair was a victory for the devil – what great tactic to pre-empt me even attempting boldness in prayer and taking a risky step of faith. All the devil has to do is remind me of my flaws and he’s won – I’m depressed, no bold prayer is made, the pastoral problem remains. And what about grace? Since when was my worthiness the basis for believing in the effectiveness of prayer? Such is our old fleshly nature that all prayer will be a battle – the key is recognizing and repenting of ungodly motives and then persevering in prayer for the right reasons. If we wait for the day when we are free of such feelings before we pray then we are waiting for nothing less than heaven. God calls us to pray confidently because we can have confidence in Jesus not because our prayers are untainted. So maybe it’s time to pray boldly (and openly) – knowing our hearts but also knowing that here as everywhere we simply depend upon the grace that gives unworthy people what they don’t deserve.