An elder's children

Some notes I prepared a few years ago on the need for elders to be good fathers and how we assess such a requirement. 

THE BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES

1 Tim 3

¹Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. ²Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. ⁴He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. ⁵(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) ⁶He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. ⁷He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

Titus 1

⁶An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. ⁷Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. ⁸Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. ⁹He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

The requirements of elders are set high. God’s under-shepherds are to be godly, stable in character and men of the Word. It is also evident that a man’s home life is regarded as a key testing ground of his suitability to be an elder.

…the logic is plain. Parents cannot be expected to manage God’s family well if they have failed to manage their own. (Stott, BST p176)

In Timothy this requirement is expressed in terms of ‘managing’ his family, in Titus it is elaborated in terms of having believing or faithful children – who are (consequently) not open to accusations of being ‘wild and disobedient’ (variously translated: dissolute, unsalvageable, uncontrolled conduct, undisciplined, rebellious).

HOLDING TRUTH & KEEPING PERSPECTIVE

Thus like all of the requirements laid in Scripture for elders – we need to take these ‘family requirements’ seriously and test ourselves against it. That said, none of us will ever fulfil these characteristics perfectly – and we need to be wary of selectivity in the eldership requirements we focus on.

As with all characteristics – they actually need to be characteristics! That is, persistant and recurrent – the stuff of reputations. Kent Hughes expresses it well…

While standing firmly for this parenting standard, we must ensure that we are operating Biblically and not on first impressions alone. A number of distinctions are important to note in the apostle’s terminology. First the term for children is tekna, and it generally relates to children in the home, under parent’s authority. We should not hold leaders as accountable for the actions of independent children as we do for children under their care and supervision.

Second the word for children is plural. We are not necessarily looking at the beliefs and actions of one child but at the character of the family as a whole… our assessment is to be based on observations of children’s conduct and convictions made over time, not on isolated statements or actions….

We should all recognise that there are periods of life when raising children is more difficult and when beliefs of parents are naturally questioned… We are to make an assessment of leadership appropriateness on the basis of overall patterns, not exceptions. The parallel passage in 1 Tim 3 enriches our understanding of this standard. There Paul says that an elder should ‘manage his own family well’ (v4). How could this be determined if there were never any struggles in the family? Good leadership is not determined by the absence of difficulty but in the prudent discipline and handling of problems when difficulties come. Patterns of disbelief and unruliness in a man’s household should cause questions about his aptitude for church leadership, but occasional or exceptional difficulties well handled should not disqualify. Rather, they are precisely what do qualify.  (p296/297)

I would further add that the injunction to children ‘to obey parents’ (Col 3:20) means that the Bible doesn’t take it for granted that they will.  

OTHER POINTS

In Greenview we have a young eldership and consequently some elders have younger children – this means that we are appointing elders in some instances before their ‘family management skills’ are able to be fully assessed. However, even with younger children, who can often be quite wild and unruly by nature, it is possible to observe ‘good parenting’ by observing how such behaviour is approached or dealt with. That is, it would not be ‘encouraging’ to see a potential elder allowing their children (of any age) to go unchecked when behaving in a disruptive or inconsiderate manner.

Elders because of their profile are subject to greater scrutiny in the church – hence the need to avoid being a source of disrepute. Clearly if patterns of disreputable family behaviour persist over an extended period of time or if there is a clear negligence on the part of an elder in addressing such issues – then an elder’s position can become a hindrance to ministry and thus need reviewed.

However, we need to recognise that elders are especially vulnerable to unfair criticisms, accusations and indeed the attacks of the devil. Therefore, elders need to take special care of each other in the inevitable times of adversity that come in life – family problems being a classic example. Difficulties arise and recede in life over the years – the crises of past years can quickly feel very distant. Ministry is always long term.